Yeah, and Maggie sounds like a <I>bitch</i>!

The Betrothed

“You must choose between me and your cigar.”
–BREACH OF PROMISE CASE, CIRCA 1885.

Open the old cigar-box, get me a Cuba stout,
For things are running crossways, and Maggie and I are out.

We quarrelled about Havanas–we fought o’er a good cheroot,
And I knew she is exacting, and she says I am a brute.

Open the old cigar-box–let me consider a space;
In the soft blue veil of the vapour musing on Maggie’s face.

Maggie is pretty to look at–Maggie’s a loving lass,
But the prettiest cheeks must wrinkle, the truest of loves must pass.

There’s peace in a Larranaga, there’s calm in a Henry Clay;
But the best cigar in an hour is finished and thrown away–

Thrown away for another as perfect and ripe and brown–
But I could not throw away Maggie for fear o’ the talk o’ the town!

Maggie, my wife at fifty–grey and dour and old–
With never another Maggie to purchase for love or gold!

And the light of Days that have Been the dark of the Days that Are,
And Love’s torch stinking and stale, like the butt of a dead cigar–

The butt of a dead cigar you are bound to keep in your pocket–
With never a new one to light tho’ it’s charred and black to the socket!

Open the old cigar-box–let me consider a while.
Here is a mild Manila–there is a wifely smile.

Which is the better portion–bondage bought with a ring,
Or a harem of dusky beauties, fifty tied in a string?

Counsellors cunning and silent–comforters true and tried,
And never a one of the fifty to sneer at a rival bride?

Thought in the early morning, solace in time of woes,
Peace in the hush of the twilight, balm ere my eyelids close,

This will the fifty give me, asking nought in return,
With only a Suttee’s passion–to do their duty and burn.

This will the fifty give me. When they are spent and dead,
Five times other fifties shall be my servants instead.

The furrows of far-off Java, the isles of the Spanish Main,
When they hear my harem is empty will send me my brides again.

I will take no heed to their raiment, nor food for their mouths withal,
So long as the gulls are nesting, so long as the showers fall.

I will scent ‘em with best vanilla, with tea will I temper their hides,
And the Moor and the Mormon shall envy who read of the tale of my brides.

For Maggie has written a letter to give me my choice between
The wee little whimpering Love and the great god Nick o’ Teen.

And I have been servant of Love for barely a twelvemonth clear,
But I have been Priest of Cabanas a matter of seven year;

And the gloom of my bachelor days is flecked with the cheery light
Of stumps that I burned to Friendship and Pleasure and Work and Fight.

And I turn my eyes to the future that Maggie and I must prove,
But the only light on the marshes is the Will-o’-the-Wisp of Love.

Will it see me safe through my journey or leave me bogged in the mire?
Since a puff of tobacco can cloud it, shall I follow the fitful fire?

Open the old cigar-box–let me consider anew–
Old friends, and who is Maggie that I should abandon you?

A million surplus Maggies are willing to bear the yoke;
And a woman is only a woman, but a good Cigar is a Smoke.

Light me another Cuba–I hold to my first-sworn vows.
If Maggie will have no rival, I’ll have no Maggie for Spouse!

What You’ll Need:

1. A nice essential oil, or Tiger Balm. This is up to you! Use what you like.

2. The following ingredients: Cocoa butter, Shea butter, and Beeswax. Get a little more cocoa butter.

3. A double-boiler- you know, that thing you use in the kitchen to melt chocolate. If you don’t have one, a heavy pyrex mesuring cup in a pot of boiling water will work the same.

4. A suitable mold. A plastic container will work fine. Be sure to use just a little olive oil to ensure that you can get your bar out easily

What to do:

Firstly, BE CAREFUL!!! You’re melting OILS here.

That aside, it’s not my fault if you start a fire or burn yourself. Be safe! Anyhow, melt one part beeswax, one part shea butter, and 1.5 parts Cocoa butter together. After that, add a few drops of your oil in there.. start off with a little, a drop per ounce. This will vary with the strength of your oil. Pour into container, let cool.

You’re done. How easy was that? And from here, you can get creative with it- add more cocoa butter for a softer bar, more beeswax for a harder bar, tiger balm for a muscle soreness remedy, and even decorative elements like flower petals and such. Have fun! (psst! try dried Adzuki beans for texture!!)

1. I love cigars. I love tobacco! I don’t drink alcohol, so, I guess that’s my one vice, unless I take up crack smoking, guns, or smut. So, the first thing for me to do, would be to move my 4 large “coolerdors” (Read: Cheap cigar storage) with several hundred well-aged premium cigars to something nicer. I’d want something upright, and able to display the often beautiful art in cigar boxes and bands. This would do the job nicely. Great display piece, and includes an electronic humidifier- I use one in my ‘real’ humidor and have never been let down- Sure, it was pricey, but considering that just one of the cigars in the box of 75 is worth half of that, I considered it to be a good investment. So, Upright humidor, Check! I also own the best cigar ashtray, in my opinion: The Stinky Ashtray. Of course, with all this smoke, You’re going to need something to keep things nice, and prevent smoke damage. I like this one, just on form factor & finish: Csonka Super Smoker Cloaker. Also, it would be prudent to run ozone, too. But, Lucky me, good at electronics, can build the perfect one to conceal in the right place. Also, a good table lighter would be excellent. I have antique ones, but let’s dream a little, no? This one, in any thing but black or chrome, really appeals to my steampunky kind of tastes.

2. Furniture. This is rather tough! It would be nice to have a futon for guests and laying out, but it would damage the overall antique aesthetic I’m wanting. So, perhaps a nicely done black leather sofa? Room for two to cuddle on, indeed, and leather would not hold in stale cigar odor as much, and it’s a breeze to clean. I’d also like a particular few tables: Something like this would do great for holding the small collection of Roman antiquities & coins, silver rounds and art bars, and other small, precious items (family things, you know what I mean) that I’ve collected over the years, and do hope to add to! My current display, a bell jar with a custom made metal platform, will hopefully need to be upgraded! Add to that a good coffee table, too. I would also like to set a large hunk of glass on top, to keep it clean and nice.

3. Chess. It’s no secret that I love Chess. I play, I study it, and have an average of three games going at once. (Want to play? Contact me!) Another dream is to have an heirloom quality chess set in my ‘dream den’. Something I can pass along to the younger generations, and prize. And, as a side thought, It would be nice to have a table of sorts, that I could stack multiple chess sets on, and simply slide out the one I wish to address. Anyhow, I find this one to be very striking- My favorite color of blue! It might not fit into the overall decor, but I think a little slip is okay. Of course, I could also give in to my adoration of Doctor Who and go for this bad boy.. ultra rare, and 4,500 in US dollars. And there’s a wooden TARDIS! But, that would be something more for me, and I could easily see it not lasting as an heirloom long after my passing! Crazy Uncle/Father Christopher and his Doctor Who obsession.

4. Art: I feel I’ve got this pretty well covered already. Not that there aren’t people I’d love to have pieces from, But that all comes in time. I shy away from sculpture, but I feel the right one will find me. But for painting, I’d like one of Auburn Lahoski’s new works. I went to high school with her, and have seen her work just get better and better. I do hope she gets an online portfolio going, but I assume she’s busy. Other than that, check my links for other wonderful art.

5. Entertainment. Oh, bookshelves! Several will be needed! I would like to drive back to my hometown (more than 1000, less than 2000 miles) and retrieve the books and records that I have in storage. There’s a lot, and Lori has a lot, so it’s a big undertaking But, A nice record player, with a good tube preamp would be great, with it going into the requisite sweet television and surround sound. Also, A Victrola would be an excellent addition- Unless, of course, I got a record player that could play those great old 78’s. I had one very similar demonstrated to me yesterday, and I was amazed.. the aesthetics, the totally analog approach, all of it- It was really an ingenious thing.

6. Finally, we have FOOD. I have an antique gumball machine I’ve restored, which would be nice, but I would be more inclined to fill it with seashells or marbles, because I simply can’t eat that much candy before it spoils! Or, I could fill it with cigar bands- not a bad idea. But, it would still be nice to have a small fridge, for a copious supply of Virgil’s and ginger beer. A sweet little popcorn machine would be a nice addition, But I think the espresso machine belongs in kitchen.

Wow.. now it just all seems excessive!